Use it wisely

I've just started reading Introduction to Buddhism by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. I've only read the two opening chapters on who was the Buddha and understanding the mind so far. It's very clearly written and I like the explanation of the distinctions between the gross mind, the subtle mind and the very subtle mind. My initial impression of Buddhism was that it was a very warm and friendly way of thought. However I keep coming up against a cold metallic edge. I don't know what it is. I can only say that it either comes from quirks in my character or something in my culture. It's my subjective interpretation.

I started work fairly late this morning but I made good progress. I've started dealing with gender. Despite being a woman my thought processes are very much enmeshed within a patriarchal thingumybob. I've always been rather put off by the militant seriousness of the gender studies people I've come across. It's only now as I get older that I see what they've been going on about all this time.

I'm enjoying my work at the moment and I no longer feel that I've had all the juice out of this PhD. It's true that the research part has been covered but instead of this stage being just tying up loose ends, it's a whole new training in itself. I'm learning to write and analyse. The work I've done recently has been the most difficult because it hasn't been drawn out of my own primary research.

My number 1 enemy is the pressure to finish quickly. I'm putting this pressure on myself because I'm anxious to move into the next stage of my life. At the same time I know I owe it to myself to make a good job of this PhD. It's not a pointless essay written to get a qualification. It's too academic for general readers but it's a resource that will interest people in my field. I'll take a couple of articles from it just to get the knowledge into general circulation and I know that the ideas I'm developing now will go into them. I hope I do finish fairly soon because I want to be with my boyfriend but at the same time I sense that this time alone can be used to prepare for the future so I should use it wisely.